I’m slowly starting to learn that my own feelings don’t always enable me to make the right decisions, nor are those feelings always real. Sometimes I feel things simply out of loneliness, out of a certain need or just living out a fantasy I’ve created. Sad but true, I’m beginning to realize that my gut cannot always be trusted.
I’m slowly learning that what I feel can be volatile. Being another sentimental soul in this world, I am longing to hear a sweet word, fascinated by a simple gesture or chasing after things to gain temporary happiness. I’m slowly learning that when it comes to love, my heart still doesn’t know when it’s the right one.
My fragile heart still hasn’t opened up and learned to fully trust other people. My heart is still healing from past wounds and sometimes my fear of being broken once again prevents me from feeling any emotions at all.
I’m slowly learning that my feelings are changeable. It seems like I wake up every day as a completely different person. Sometimes I’m emotionally available and sometimes I’m closed off. Sometimes I start the day with the inner drive to share and take care of all my loved ones and sometimes I feel the need to be loved and taken care of. Sometimes I feel like I’m prepared to love and sometimes I feel like there are so many things I need to figure out about myself first. Sometimes I am sure what I want and sometimes I’m unsure about what I’m doing with my life.
That is the reason why I feel so exhausted lately. I’m tired of overthinking about everything and trying to figure out the purpose of daily situations. I’m fed up with constantly reading into the hidden signs and trying to understand what the universe is trying to teach me. My soul is tired of asking too many questions and not finding the answers. But thankfully, I have someone I can lean on. I have someone I can trust with my whole heart. I have someone in my life who handles the things I can’t. God is here for me.
And life is slowly teaching me how to trust God over my own shaky feelings. I am in the process of learning how to follow him as a guide and not my heart. Because my feelings shouldn’t be overwhelming and my heart shouldn’t feel burdened or uneasy. My gut shouldn’t be doubtful and I shouldn’t have confusions if something is meant to be. Maybe my problem is that I’m still clinging to things that are not meant for me and God is still trying to teach me how to simply let go and move on.
I’m starting to live my life beyond the illusionary perspective of my feelings, beyond the life that I thought I knew, beyond the prejudices I’ve created. I’m gradually learning that my feelings can be impermanent because they’re always attached to my momentary emotional state, they always depend on how I feel and think at the moment. If I want to live a stable and calm life, I cannot give in to my feelings anymore. What I need to do is surrender to God, his divine plans, and his right timing. I have to put my faith in him more than I in my feelings. I have to believe in my destiny even if I don’t know how God is going to take me to that destination.